Ten Things You Didn't Know About IT salesmen, by The Man Who Knows

Have you noticed how slippery IT salesmen are?
They make estate agents look honest.
At least you can understand estate agent jargon. It men just speak gibberish.

I intend to lift the lid on the seedy world of the IT salesman.

Watch this space.
I intend to expose the sordid deals that take place in the IT channel, identifying the whole criminal network of IT salesman, distributors and resellers.

The tricks, the scams, the grey marketing plans, the people trafficing and poaching,
the dodgy leads, the intelligence gathering and CIO stalking.

The phoney head hunter job interviews that are just a front for gathering information about your company, so they can sell more to you.

Look out, too, for the 7 IT Industry Secrets THEY don't want CIOs to know.

Speaking Freely "Hello yes I want to complain..."

"Hello yes I want to complain about service at Talkies(?) in Kipperton(?). Can you please well my name is Derek and I live in Kingston. Thanks. Bye."

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Corkys Revisited

I sometimes drop into a bar opposite Waitrose in Surbiton called Corky's.

I'm not sure why they call it Corky's, I don't imagine they sell too much wine.

Still, the manager is a lovely man. He's much friendlier than most landlords, so give him some credit.

Little known fact: Corky's is thought to be named after the character played by Derek Guyler in classic seventies sit-com Sykes, starring Eric Sykes and Hattie Jacques.

The barman in the Victoria in Surbiton

As a rule, the nicer looking a pub is, the more miserable the staff.

To test this theory, visit the Victoria, a Youngs pub on Victoria Road, in Surbiton.

The main barman there always treats you as if you're the scourge of his life. He makes you feel it's your fault he never got to be a contender.

I'm going to try and sneak a picture of him and post it up here, so you can see what I mean.

Which queue moves fastest in Wilkinson in Kingston?

When you're in a shop, and there's massive queues at each till, how do you know which to join?

Which till operator is going to be the fastest? Which customers will waste ten minutes fumbling for their purse? Which scanning machine is playing up?

It's anybody's guess.

But here's a hint. Never join a queue where the till operator is a man. Especially not a middle aged man. Especially not a middle aged white man. Or a young white man.

And never join the queue I'm in. It's bound to move like a glacier.

Yesterday was an exception. At Wilkinson in Kingston, I picked a queue with a young asian girl at the till. She made that scanning machine sing like a birdy. The customers flew by. AND she was polite too. And cute.

I wonder if she'd marry me.

Speaking Freely "Good morning this is Pataf(?)..."

"Good morning this is Pataf(?) calling from BT Dark(?) Solutions from the BT Phone Work Department. The call is to confirm there's one booked entry for the telephone number under ___ name Sierra Chagre(?) the telephone no. is 01517088556. Just so your unable to confirm the letting with you we are publishing in the BT Phone. If this is incorrect please do us a call back on 08000288604. Thank you. Goodbye."

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Speaking Freely "Hello, this is Amanda in Kingston...."

"Hello, this is Amanda in Kingston. We went to East Rober(?) restaurant yesterday. It seems to take 45 mins for drinks to arrive in fact they came after the food. Which was a bit annoying because the first thing you when you at the restaurant is to have a drink. So we can sit and relax. I haven't seen people in restaurant ___ like that. I think it's all about ignoring the customer's making themselves look important. I wouldn't mind, but there were many other people in there yesterday. Ok. Thanks a lot. Goodbye"

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